Cutting the Ties That
Children begin by loving their
parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive
— Oscar Wilde
|Children begin by loving their
parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive
— Oscar Wilde
Cutting the Ties that Bind is based on meditation and symbols of the subconscious to heal your inner child. It was introduced by Phyllis Krystal who has written several books on the subject. The process, and the wisdom behind it, is covered in detail in her first book Cutting The Ties That Bind. A summary is outlined here.
As discussed in the chapter on Relationships, our early experiences of life are linked to our parents. They may have done their best for us, but being human, could not help but pass on their hang-ups, weaknesses and faults to us. At birth we needed unconditional love and bonding with mother and acceptance and support from father. Failure on their part to provide these qualities can leave us emotionally disadvantaged and less able to cope with life. If they were repressed or inhibited we, by using them as role models may have copied their negative traits. Cutting the Ties enables you to identify the way you were affected by your parents and empowers you to free yourself and find your own identity. Moreover, physical problems arising from these mental and emotional backgrounds can also be cured or prevented by the therapy.
Cutting the Ties with your father increases self confidence and assertiveness and helps your career. For women it changes and improves all personal relationships with men. The therapy, when applied to your mother, has a profound effect on how you react to life itself. You can develop a more positive and happy philosophy of life by separating yourself from the negative aspects of her personality. This would be especially relevant if she was distressed or emotionally out of harmony at your birth as you formulated your self image and view of life under these conditions. For men, Cutting the Ties with Mother has a healing effect on personal relationships with women.
When done with a therapist, Cutting the Ties is often supplemented with regression therapy to unlock suppressed memories and feelings, to reconnect with your childhood and put you in touch with the trauma you are healing. This might include your birth and other incidents from your early formative years. Even if you do not believe you can remember your birth or early childhood, the events revealed are imbued with deep feelings which were instrumental in shaping your approach to life. While still in the regressed state, the therapist helps you to reassess these events in order to release associated negative emotions and forgive. Forgiveness involves letting go of desire to hit back at parents, siblings, teachers or anyone who hurt you in the past. This has a liberating effect that releases what anchors the trauma in the present and allows you to grow emotionally.
What to do
Identify who you need to cut the ties with. This can be done easily with a therapist through regression and dream analysis. However, if you are working on your own, use your dreams to discover trauma that needs healing and identify the parent with whom the strongest issues lie. For example, to dream of a woman with her back to you means that your mother turned her back on you. To dream of a man in a dark brown suit means you copied your materialistic approach to life from your father. To dream of the color pink or a woman sitting at a cash register means your mother did not love you unconditionally or she put a price on her love. Cut the ties with this parent first and only cut the ties with one parent at a time. Give yourself breathing space of a few weeks before moving onto the other parent.
When you have issues with your male partner or male boss you commonly find your dreams encouraging you to cut the ties with your father as that relationship laid the foundation for subsequent male relationships. Similarly if you have issues with your son you cut the ties with your father. Similarly if you have issues with your female partner, female boss or daughter you cut the ties with your mother. The karmic relationship between you and your children usually means you are shirking your spiritual obligations if you cut the ties directly with them. After all, they developed their traits while under your care. Having passed issues on to them you can incur karma from washing your hands of your part in the process.
Your relationship with your partner may also be karmic so for the same reason it is unwise to cut the ties with them unless you receive spiritual direction from your guides, a medium or another professional who knows how to check if it is appropriate. You may incur karma by blocking your partner’s life purpose but you also block your ability to achieve your own life purpose.
If you are cutting the ties with your parent and your partner shares many of the same negative traits, realize that cutting the ties will free you from the negative conditioning you suffered but it may also doom your relationship. You will grow through cutting the ties and your energy will change completely. This changes the dynamic of the relationship and unless your partner responds by changing in a positive direction the energy that held you together will no longer exist and you may separate. Even if they do change you may still separate.
A supportive loving relationship can help greatly when cutting the ties. However, warn your partner that you are going through the process. If you are cutting the ties with someone of the same gender as your partner you may temporarily project negative emotions brought up during the process onto them. Warn them in advance of your intention to do this so they are prepared and give you the leeway you may need.
Make a list of positive and negative points
Once you have determined who you need to cut the ties with make a list of all the positive and negative traits and incidents between you and that person as shown below. Include on the list anything that you think is relevant. To help you recall, do the list chronologically starting from your birth. Initially you will find there are lots more negatives than positives. Do not feel guilty about this – it is common. It is also common to find when you get about half way through the therapy that you think of more items to put in the positive column and may even outnumber the negatives. While that is not always the case it is a clear sign that the therapy is working.
He did not want
another child by the time I was born.
He did not know how to show love.
He never apologized when he was in the wrong.
He was angry a lot.
He expected me to keep my friends quiet when playing out on the street.
He was king of his castle and expected royal treatment.
He had a low tolerance threshold.
He was always right!
He had a good
sense of humor.
He always brought us out for a drive on the weekend.
He never let teachers bully me in school.
He praised academic achievements.
When I was 12 he brought me with him to visit my sister who was living abroad.
Figure 1: Make a list of positives and negatives
When the list is complete go through each item one by one and ask yourself how it makes you feel. It is primarily the feelings you are trying to work on during the therapy.
How to cut the ties
Cutting the Ties that Bind gets its power through use of symbols of the subconscious mind. The technique itself is very simple but extremely effective. During the process you will need to visualize a facilitator, someone who you consider to have the ability to help you with the process. Choose a suitable facilitator beforehand. This can be somebody you know that has given their permission to be used in the context of cutting the ties. Alternatively you can imagine somebody you imbue with the required attributes. Keep the one facilitator throughout the process.
To cut the ties on your own, follow these steps.
Get into a comfortable sitting or lying position. Close your eyes and relax your body by taking a few slow deep breaths. Count slowly backwards from 20 to 1 and mentally tell yourself that your body and mind are relaxing with each number. If you have already developed a technique for relaxing, use that instead.
Now imagine yourself standing in a room with your facilitator. Visualize a line of light across the floor connecting him or her to you. Now visualize another line of light traveling up their spine and out the top of their head. Visualize another line of light traveling up your spine and out the top of your head. Project both lines of light upwards to form the apex of a triangle. You and the facilitator are now standing at the corner points of a large triangle of light. The high point of this triangle is connected to the higher consciousness common to both of you. If you like, you can let yourself feel love, confidence, support, or whatever trait you want to develop or feel you need, flowing down from the high point on the line of light that connects you. Now let the scene fade but keep in mind that although you are no longer visualizing it, the triangle of light remains in place for however many weeks the process will take.
Now imagine yourself somewhere quiet where there are no people to distract you. Now imagine yourself standing in the centre of a circle of golden light (refer to the diagram). This circle is on the ground. A common mistake made is for people to imagine the circle at waist height so be careful not to do that. The circle is a subconscious symbol of love and protection.
Figure 2: Imagine yourself in a golden circle
- Imagine another circle of the same size in front of you just touching your circle so that they have a single point of contact. Place the parent or object you are cutting the ties with in the center of the other circle. Now imagine a blue neon light at the point where the two circles meet.
Figure 3: Visualize your target
- Slowly move the neon light anti-clockwise around your circle (to your left and behind you). When the light reaches the place where it started move it around the other circle in a clockwise direction as indicated by the arrows in the diagram. When the light returns to the center of the circles move it again anti-clockwise around your circle and repeat.
Figure 4: Begin the healing process
- Keep the light moving for two minutes. While it is moving realize that the light has special healing properties. Feel it strengthening you. As the light travels your circle imagine anything negative connected with the other person being taken from you. Assist in the process by dumping anything you want into the light. For example, reach into your pockets and pull out items reminiscent of trauma or negative traits and throw them to the light. Remove heavy coats and throw them to the light. Now when the light is in the other circle it releases these items back to the other person. At the same time the light pulls into itself positive feelings, traits and power that were suppressed as a result of that person in your life. When the light moves into your circle it returns all this to you. Imagine and let yourself feel this happen. After two minutes let the scene fade and wake yourself up.
Repeat the process daily
Do this for two minutes once per day and only two minutes. After about four days you will begin to feel the effects. If you are cutting the ties with your mother you may feel chest pains. This is your heart chakra opening. The pains will only last two or three days. You may also feel periods of depression. Keep working through these as this is what the therapy is clearing. If you have a heart condition do not undergo this therapy unless with a qualified therapist. If you are cutting the ties with your father you may feel back pains or pains in your legs. Again you do not need to worry about this but take it as a sign that the therapy is working.
Each time you do the therapy pick up your lists of negative and positive points and try to add to them. Go through the list again to see how you feel with regard to each item. You will find your reaction changes as you progress.
The process always brings up very strong negative emotions. These are the bottled feelings from childhood coming to the surface and they are potent. Do something to express these feelings. For example, if you play tennis use the anger or other strong feelings that surfaced as you hit the ball each time. If you walk burn the anger with each footstep. Let yourself feel it as you walk. Do not suppress the feelings. For instance, do not go for a walk to calm yourself down. Walk with the anger, feeling it course through your body. Keep walking until there is no anger left. If you do nothing else bash your pillow to express it. You must express it or the process will take longer and you will project the feelings onto everyone around you. This will be done subconsciously so to you it will seem like you just now realized that your partner is a complete jerk and you will treat them accordingly. Realize it is you who is changing – nothing is changing in them – as you get nearer the end of the therapy these strong feelings are gone and are replace with a tremendous sense of calm and purpose.
Completing the process
The therapy can take up to six weeks and a lot of people drop out when they feel the depression starting. Promise yourself at the start that you will work through this as your resolve will help you later. When the time is right you need to complete the process. You will know the time as your attitude to the person and feelings about life will have changed. If you do not feel any change complete the process after six weeks. To complete the process do the following.
With your eyes closed relax your body in a comfortable sitting or lying position as before.
Visualize your facilitator and the triangle of light as before.
Imagine yourself in the quite location you have used before and imagine again the golden circles with you in one and the person you are cutting the ties with in the centre of the other.
There is no neon light this time. Instead imagine a rope connecting you and the person. The rope may appear as chain or other material and it connects into your body at a particular point. The point of connection is different for everyone.
Hold the rope with both hands. Imagine your hands becoming bright with light and so too does the rope while you hold it. Now pull the end of the rope out of your body. Now imagine it pulling out of the other person’s body. As it does they disappear and so too do the circles. You are left on the scene with just the rope.
Move your right hand over the wound left from removing the rope. The light from your hand transfers into the wound and heals it. There is no trace of the wound left.
Place the rope in a pile on the ground. Using whatever means comes to mind destroy the rope. For example, you might burn it and then throw the ashes up into the wind to be carried away. If you imagined a chain you may use acid to melt it. From here on you know that connection can never be restored.
Now notice there is a beautiful river running beside you to your right. Walk over to the bank of the river and notice the clear and calm waters. Remove every item of clothing and walk into the river. There is nobody around and you feel amazing freedom and very light. The river is the perfect depth for you to walk safely into it. Wash yourself in the river, immersing your head too.
Now walk out of the river on the other bank. You notice beautiful flowing white robes waiting there for you. They fit perfectly as you put them on. Bask for a moment in the clean, clear feeling of being a child of the universe. You know from this point forward you have found your place in it.
Slowly let the scene fade and allow time to awaken fully.
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